Why do you want to go back? Aren’t you envious that she got the prize even though both of you had the same final grade?
That seems like a simple question. But it is a loaded one. Why would anyone want to do that, given the lost opportunity, broken heart, and futility of losing something you had at the very last moment? When I think, I am weighed down by all of this. How can I say I would feel guilty if I allowed myself to descend to that level? I would hate myself if I were to act in a manner like Commander Daskal in the 1988 film ‘The Beast.’, uncouth and unkind at the misfortunes of his tank crew-members. How can I not come across as some self-righteous, look-at-me jerk?
As I type, the dawn is breaking outside my window and today is Graduation Day. It is the final day of junior college and the final day of a 12 year process that began eons ago when I stepped into primary school for the first day, then went on to where I am now by going to secondary school and then junior college. So today is the last official day when I have to put on a school uniform, head out before the rush hour to catch a bus and assemble in the parade square. It is hard to imagine that 12 years have gone by so fast, since you don’t really notice it when each day seem to be the same as the last, a slog to get through school and back home again. But at the end, you somehow feel that you have grown in age and grown in experience, just like how a veteran returning from a war would feel.
I am not envious, but I am happy that she got the prize. A long time ago, or 2 years ago at the least, I would have been jealous and taken it as an injustice. But now, I am not so sure about that. I’ve learnt that nothing comes for free, and you must work hard to get what you want. When you do, then the reward is truly yours and yours alone. I cannot control what others might think. But for me, it is about the job as a student. The job is to learn and learn the best that I can. It is about experiencing a sense of exhilaration and pride that is unmatched elsewhere in the civilian world. It is about assuming hardships in its own unique little way, hardships that most people would not even consider and doing it with a sharp flourish of the pen and a sense of purpose.
I know that if I have really changed- and I believe I have- then I would have to stop feeling sorry for myself. I would have to do something. How do I tell people that I do not want to look back on my school legacy and see the wreckage of a self-absorbed Facebook culture? How can I say that I often feel alone when I talk about petty concerns with people, and I feel hollow for not doing the best that I can?
The last hues of night have vanished from outside the window now, and I can see the clouds in the blue sky. So I guess it is about shrugging off the disdain that sometimes bubble up when I think of how so few have given so much for so many, and doing something of consequence. It is about standing alongside and being guided by some of the greatest teachers and mentors that I will ever know- individuals to whom words like dedication, sacrifice and duty are said without snickering irony or shame.
Why do you want to go back?
Because I can help. And, in doing so, be helped myself.
